The UK government has done it again. They’ve dropped a fresh slogan hot off the press into the minds of the general public. You’d be forgiven for thinking that as the global economy undergoes radical change, the UK manufacturing industry, which had up until this point been considered if not dead then at least supremely uncool compared to its hip and happening younger brother tertiary services, has been given some pocket money by daddy Boris and has reinvented itself with a new product; slogans.

British horsepower, now fully redirected into the production of pure pizzazz and quirky quips is now the coolest kid on the block. Theresa May had some early success with strong, stable, senile, but Boris has really got the trends moving.

Hands, face, space. My God, how we swooned. That’s the kind of material that gets you invited to the end of year pool party where the parents aren’t home, garage remixes of the national anthem play deep into the early hours (no Euro-pop or Euro-Funk in sight), and PPE contracts are handed out to anyone with a PayPal account. The hits just kept coming. With Bojo the Slogan Saint at the helm, channelling the stylistic energy of the people, oodles of the most iconic spiritual poetry were produced. No hassle, just off to Bernard Castle. Stay alert, an incredible mantra which no doubt fulfilled its primary goal of reducing the heart-breaking number of Britons accidentally leaving food in the oven too long. Stick to the plan, don’t kill your Nan was a personal favourite of mine (thanks Matt Hancock).

Then of course it was fatten the curve, an ingenious attempt to test the theory that as consuming a rasher of bacon takes a month off a person’s life, if enough fatty foods are devoured quickly enough nationwide it may be possible to actually go back in time to a year when the world isn’t ending. That project should obviously not be confused with The Moonshot, an attempt to expedite our departure from the European Union and truly re-secure our borders by launching the British Isles into orbit.

And how could we forget the spiffiest corker of them all: Get Brexit Done (for the love of Christ).

The next season’s trends are currently hitting the metaphorical shelves; clap for heroes: the catchphrase lovechild of protect the NHS and clap for carers (a call to action regarding chlamydia in the caring profession which was considered a rare misstep by the usually eloquent communicators currently in the Cabinet). Now I’m not the Louis Vuitton of the industry, but I think the heroes (whoever they are) deserve better and I have put together some ideas. I have not changed the word heroes of course, as the change from carer to hero was evidently subject to much scrutiny by the best and brightest, and I’m only going to use words that rhyme with clap, as conserving the intrinsic flavour of the slogan is paramount; I’m not an idiot and understand that these words have immense power and as such are probably the highest quality product this government can and will produce. With those qualifiers aside, let’s continue.

Zap for heroes

This one was obvious. If you remember the Ice Bucket Challenge from some years ago, getting people to dump cold water on themselves to raise money for a good cause? Who knew that you can extract money out of people by providing them with footage of other people in extreme discomfort? They don’t even have to dislike the persons being made uncomfortable; in fact, it’s often quite the opposite! Well, I can’t think of a much better cause than heroes, and I can’t think of many things more uncomfortable than being tased. Just make sure you’re being recorded and the Internet does the rest. So there you go; zap for heroes.

Scrap for heroes

We’re all pent up, stuck inside, frustrated. 12 people in your county have bought all the toilet roll again, your kids haven’t been to school for 4 years and your hernia operation has been rescheduled for 2035. It’s awful. So instead of popping out the front door and having a clap on a Thursday evening, why not get a mask on (let’s not be irresponsible) and have a good old-fashioned fistfight in the street with that neighbour you’ve always detested? Bets can be placed, blood spilled and tensions dissipated. Literally everyone is a winner. If you’re really concerned about coronavirus you can always acquire a weapon 2 metres or longer to ensure your scrap is socially distanced. Go on; have a scrap for heroes.

Tap for heroes

Prepare yourself: this is genius. Let’s start with 2 facts; one, the nation is spending money with ferocity akin to a 10-year-old boy on FIFA with his mum’s credit card information, and two; people can be extorted. So, here’s the plan; on the designated evening, the powers that be go door-to-door with a contactless card machine and some scary ex-military blokes, and people tap their card without knowing how much they have to pay. The whole thing is like a totalitarian reverse postcode lottery. We’ll even have a jingle. Sometimes you’ve just paid a couple of quid for a nurse’s coffee during a break, sometimes it’s the cost of Ian’s 6-week ITU stay. If you don’t tap for heroes you hate heroes and you are a traitor to the nation. Priti Patel did not pay me to write this.

Relapse for heroes

Evidently, we are already doing this. I need to stop watching the news.

Trap for heroes

With the decline of the UK hunting industry, we just aren’t sating our bloodlust for “animals that could be managed in a more humane way”. Cue trap for heroes. Reacquaint yourself with nature, hunt some local wildlife, get your hands dirty and acquire key skills and warm fur clothing in preparation for the impending apocalypse. Trust me, it’s coming.

Genappe for heroes

Genappe is apparently a municipality in Belgium. We should annex it and give it to the heroes. This literally cannot go wrong.

Chateauneuf Du Pape for heroes

As school meals vouchers have recently been changed from £30 to just pictures of food for people to look at fondly, you may well be thinking “where has all the food gone?” But don’t fear, the funds were re-diverted to a great cause; it’s all been spent on very expensive wine. When divided up between all UK adults you’ll be able to get about a sniff and a half. Thank me later.

That concludes my review of the latest and greatest word-based trends. I hope you’ve enjoyed my attempt to get the nation supporting our heroes in the way they deserve. Seriously guys buy stocks in my British slogans as soon as possible because these babies are going stratospheric. Maybe make some of your own? Make the UK cool again. Be a hero, skin a fox, get tased, punch your neighbour, get punched by your neighbour, annex Belgium, get drunk and then cry. Can’t be worse than last year.

PS.

Hilariously as I was writing this ridiculous piece, I saw the government was actually planning on releasing an ad campaign with the slogans don’t let a coffee cost a life (which must be either subliminal advertising for Costa or people really are getting extorted for their coffee) and Covid takes the train too, which sounds like either a children’s book designed to make your kids mortally afraid of public transport, Thomas the Tank Engine’s eulogy, or both.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/13740333/new-ad-blitz-coffee-kill-covid-crackdown/

Truly art imitates life. Stay safe everybody.

Ed